Wake Up, America!

I’M BAAAAACK. As promised I haven’t been writing as many articles as Katie. I’ve been too busy making the world’s crappiest TV shows and selling my soul for the all mighty dollar. Speaking of money and working jobs that you hate…



If you have to go to work every day to pay your bills you are NOT a free person.

I had this realization when I was working 54 hours straight on my last project. I also realized I am a MORON because I DON’T need to go to work every day because I AM a free person.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I’m pretty well off. You would never know it because my favorite clothes are hoodies, I drive a 10 year-old car, and I refuse to rock over-priced brands that are made by slave labor. (To a certain extent. I mean come on everything is over-priced and made by slave labor. People are literally jumping off the roof of the Apple factory where my iPhone was made but I mean it’s an iPhone so what am I supposed to do, NOT buy it?!)

I live well below my means and have an “old money” mindset. I’m not flashy or boujee. I like nice things and have them, but don’t flaunt them. (Okay sometimes I brag about my first class upgrades and the stupid Hollywood parties I attend. I guess this article might count as bragging too even thought it’s not meant to be. Nobody is perfect.)

Most Americans have a “new money” mindset. Boujee, flashy, look at me. Think Kim and Kanye.

Oh and most Americans don’t actually have “money.” I’m not sure why, when, or how, but most Americans have become self-entitled twats who think they’re deserving of everything even if they can’t afford it.

I remember in the 5th grade my friend’s parents took out a second mortgage on their house, it was probably only 1,200 sq ft, so they could buy a speedboat. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! If you act this stupid with your money you deserve to end up in the gutter.

Spoiler Alert: that is where you will end up if you act this way with money.

My parents taught us to respect money. They had us get jobs at 16 and open savings accounts and Roth IRAs. I’ve been maxing my Roth out every year since I was 22 and will continue to do so until I retire. Because of this I will retire a millionaire no matter what I end up doing for a living. If you don’t have one, open one immediately. You’re throwing away tax-free money and an opportunity to take advantage of compound interest. The max contribution is currently $5,500. That’s $458.33 a month. You can do it. It’s really not that hard. You’ve just been trained to think it is. https://investor.vanguard.com/ira/iras

Every time my mother would drop us off at school she would make us say, “Always pay your credit card bills in full” before exiting the car. Sure, I was in Kindergarten and didn’t really even know what a credit card was, but you can bet I’ve never missed a payment in my life and it’s always paid in full.

Paying interest on something you can’t afford is stupid. If you can’t pay the bill then don’t buy it. The fleeting joy you have from owning whatever stupid object you think you need will never out weigh the stress from not being able to pay your bills. Those red bottom heels will not make you love yourself more.

If every American saved as aggressively as they spent they wouldn’t need to get up and go to those thankless desk jobs. I bet the number of people suffering from depression and anxiety would drop too. Which would also most likely lower the rate of divorce. I’m not sure why people haven’t realized it’s all connected. Pay yourself first and you will always be happy.

Every month I save over $2,500. I do this because I work in a volatile industry and I’m freelance. I WILL be unemployed at some point every year. So I plan for it. It’s that focking simple.

So I’ve decided to take a radical sabbatical. I’m going to start developing my own TV shows. I’m tired of killing myself for turds, especially since I don’t have to. I’m not sure why it took me this long to wake up, but now that I’m up you can’t put this Baby back in the corner.


Power to the free people.




I wrote this stone cold sober because that’s how serious I take finances and America’s debt problem.


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