Swipe Left

Lately I have been receiving questions about dating, and encouragement around dating apps.

“Are you ready to start dating again?” “Have you considered “It’s Just Lunch?'”

You guys. I have been ready to date men since I was four years old. This isn’t a question of whether or not I am ready to date.

But my candid answer is No.

No, I don’t want to spend an hour creating a profile, and the daily maintenance of emails, messages and winks.

That sounds like work, and I don’t get paid for it so I’m not interested.

Also, can we talk about what women have to look forward to with online dating?

Let’s start with the photos.

I’m here to tell you, boys, the bathroom selfie of you in a towel? It’s not attractive.

What you don’t realize is girls are less interested in your abs, and more interested in the toothpaste stains on your mirror.

How long has it been since you cleaned that mirror?

I may be moving too fast and jumping ahead to cohabitation here, but I’m sorry based on your mirror I am swiping left.

“But you may miss so many great guys, Katie!”

True. I suppose we could hire a cleaning lady.

But I am not ready to settle yet! Because if you are a slob at home, I can’t help but think, “what else is a mess in your life?”

Your finances? Your relationships? Your sheets? Like do you make your bed every morning?

These are burning questions I guess I’ll never know beyond a bathroom selfie.

What I do know to be truth is that men lie on their profiles.

Several dates come to mind where they have lied to my face. Why do they feel the┬áneed? Why can’t you just be real and honest with me? Or with yourself for that matter?

Two men have blatantly lied about their age.

Like why are you lying about this? Your profile states 35, and you just told me about your 40th birthday bash.

This is clearly going to be our first and last date.

Unfortunately for men like that, they don’t know Katie Jones… Because lying is about the biggest offense in my book.

For instance, if my partner ever cheated on me, I would likely be more upset and hurt about being lied to than the act itself.

Had Mr. Liar known this about me, he would have quickly corrected his age to 40 on his profile so there would be no discrepancies in his story.

It’s too bad, too, because he didn’t have any bathroom selfies.

Outside of Integrity, I think it’s pertinent to share what I am looking for in that special someone:

– STD free

Okay, go ahead… Laugh.

I get it, my standards have gotten so bad that I need to add this as a character quality.

But then pause to think on that one. Shea & I recently met a drunk boy who was SO proud about “his number.”

I didn’t want to know, and of course his drunk buddies were like, “it’s in the hundreds!”

Of course after that, I hugged him, flirted with him all night then said, “Can I please, please, PLEASE be your number 101!?”

Gross. Like how many STD’s has Chad had lately?

I’m sure his wife would appreciate knowing that he isn’t going to infect her with a disease too. But I could be wrong.

So yes, big fan of the No STDs!

– Republican

Okay, again, go ahead and laugh.

Although I may be on my own Conservative Island off the coast of California, I am telling you, this one is a biggie for me.

Unfortunately, I just cannot date a Democrat.

I am open to other’s views, of course, but I need my partner to have similar views on economics, taxes, military and foreign policy.

Mostly because I don’t want to have to hide the fact that I listen to Fox News for hours while I clean my apartment on Saturdays.

Then last, but not least….

– Believes in God

I tried dating an Atheist man once. It was interesting.

I genuinely wanted to understand how he believed what he did (or didn’t), and I couldn’t get beyond the fact that once we die, that’s it. Our souls vanish with it.

I can’t even unpack this is one thought, although I will recommend Justin Brierly’s podcast, “Unbelievable!” for you interested listeners.

It is unbelievable!

Brierly invites a Christian and a non-Christian to engage in scholarly discussions & debates each week on his radio station.

(At this point I’m probably cleaning the kitchen floors and sink when my JB podcast comes on.)

So nothing against my Atheist friends, it’s just difficult for me to “get” you if you won’t allow me those moments over a bottle of pinot… staring up at the stars in awe, while I philosophize about the meaning of life and the multi-universe.

And you will resent me if you don’t believe in ANYTHING… except that Taco Bell is amazing. Everyone agrees on that.

So there it is. My first online dating profile outlined above for all to see.

Let’s review. Katie Jones is looking for:
– A man of integrity (not a liar)
– A man without STDs
– A man with fiscally conservative views (bonus if he secretly has a Make America Great hat at home too)
– A man of faith

Now the real burning question is, after you’ve read this… would you swipe right for me??

Yeah, me neither…

Next up, Katie works on her bad attitude and getting pumped for bathroom selfies!

Published by Katie Jones


One thought on “Swipe Left

  1. Dear Katie: I am preparing a reply to your insightful blog, and would appreciate further clarification on the following so that I may share my perspective.
    1. What = a lie and how big or small of a miss-representation is a deal breaker for you?
    2. How does having an STD = a character flaw?
    3. What does “Make America Great Again” mean to you?
    4.What = Faith and how does Mr. Right demonstrate this in his life?

    Thanks in advance for your input.. once received, I will submit my comments.. food for thought!


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